I Met a Woman

I have met you before. . .woman. I heard you talking on the phone as I walked into the woman’s public restroom. The tone of your voice and the emotion in your words. I have heard the pacing of your shoes before on the hard floor. You take deep breaths between every long conversation. I make eye contact with you for a brief second as I walk toward the restroom stall.

You say but you do not listen. You do not listen to the other’s response. You speak in contradiction. Why can’t you just listen to what you are saying; you really want better. Woman I have met you before. You know you deserve better, but you don’t demand better rather you accept less with every passing minute .

I can hear the anger and hurt in your voice. The anger mutes the sadness. You say, “why are you saying that to me?” Little lady, you should be asking why. You should demand–stop. You are the sole master of what you deserve. If you allow someone to behave in a hurtful way, the person will continue the harmful behavior unless you demand change–walk away. You should let go. Let go little lady. Embrace freedom.

I have met you before woman. You are afraid. You are afraid to be alone. The fear of freedom. Little lady, I pass by you as you look in the mirror while you are on the phone. I proceed to wash my hands, and I hang my head. I want to tell you, “You could be happy and no one needs to know.” But I refrain. You take a deep breath, “But I love you?” The tears begin to fall. As I allow my wet hands to hang over the basin

As you look in the mirror, do you see the woman you have become. . . the woman you want to be. You wipe your tears and remain silent. I dry my hands and make for the door. I turn toward you and you are motionless in front of the mirror. Goodbye, the woman I have met before. I hope to never see you again.

Just a Thought

“It was this: what one expects to find at the very center of life or literature-the summation of a Great Tradition, a Touchtone of Taste- may only be the dream of the deprived, or the illusion of the powerless” -Bhabha

So We Talked

I heard a young adult speak today about his goals in life. His life choices were deeply seeded in his family expectations, responsibility, and honor. These three topics were ideas that ran in this young man’s mind. I want to share with you what one of my students shared with me today as he deliberated his future. I want to share his story, because I think his thoughts can offer insight into the elements that make a child ready to enter into adulthood.

“To help my mom”-he says. The obligation he feels for the socio-economic strife his mother needs to overcome underlined by the lack of support from his other parental figure; The student is self-reflecting on his life, and he is beginning to notice that there is a possibility to make a change for the life he lived due to his mother’s inability to provide. Although, I understood his feelings. I know that these feelings of responsibility will propel him forward into his future planing. So, I motivated to own up to his feelings.

“I want this for myself”-he says. After he begins to realize the sacrifice he is planing on making will effect his life, he attempts to position himself in the equation. What part of his planing is to fulfil his desires and how much does he have to give for the good of others? I could see the self-doubt in his eyes, but I reassured him that I was in his shoes back in my late undergraduate years. And my call to the betterment of huamnity was an easy choice. If he thinks he is not ready to make such a decision, he needs to rethink his plans.

“I want to help others”-he says. He begins to express a need to give to the community as well as his family. He is fostering a new consciousness. He is moving aware from selfish thinking to self-sacrificing for the good of humanity. To become a productive citizen. The goal of all nations and all civil communities–create citizens that are willing to grow and give back to their community in order to sustain a stronger community of people in the future.

This communal futuristic thinking-I will call it- is not something that can be taught but nourished. Although, I didn’t have a hand in the nourishment of this student’s planning, I am proud that he has chosen to share his thoughts with me.

The creation of a communal thinking is what public school should strive for, but I am afraid my dear reader, our public schools especially the under-funded schools along the borderlands is a far cry of this progressive thinking.

Thank you for sharing my dear student. Thank goodness you escaped the narrow-minded thinking often generated in public schools standardized curricula.

He is an exception and not the rule.

UnCorked

A couple of years ago, I have dealt with a lot of challenges and have made very few mistakes. I am not a risk taker. Among the very few times I have taken a risk, the risk involved my heart-Love. The lessons I have learned from my mistakes will never escape my memory, because I am different now that they have occurred. I want to talk to you my dear readers about one of the ways I have grown from one of my mistakes, and how my growth is making me into a better person.

You see all, I have always been the one to tell my friends and family, “I don’t see myself getting married let alone having children.” Although my friends would frown at my attitude toward family. I stuck to the idea that my career success needed to come first before my emotional wellness. So, in my psychological career driven mind, my ship was launched into the water.

Many years have passed, I now find myself taking a break from my academic journey–I am an English teacher. In-between finishing up my masters and teaching, I had to move-out, learn how to compromise, deal with a break-up…two break-ups, become a good teacher, falling in love again, and think about PHD areas of study.

Among all the craziness of life, I have learned that I can never be complete if I don’t start being honest with myself as I am honest with others. I mean like the saying goes, “you are your worst enemy.” My friends appreciate me because I am honest and direct with them, yet I am not honest and direct with my own feelings. This lesson in life has been very painful for me. My emotional disconnect has given me flexibility in forefronting my career choices and determination. But it has left me very ignorant of how important my emotional wellness is to life and living life to the fullest.

So for the first time I took a risk, I told someone I cared for deeply exactly how I felt– I want to love. I was liberated. With putting myself out there, I have cleansed my soul. It was such a great feeling, and I was not worried about the person’s reaction as much as I knew that I was being honest with myself and with that person. I was so wrapped up in my own self-relief that no matter the turn out; I was having a break through.

It was easy to look into his eyes. I was being honest. I could feel my heart ease into the pocket from which it resides in my chest…no worry.

Honesty my dear reader…how liberating the feeling. I finally was able to articulate exactly how I felt. The words were smooth, and the timing was perfect, and I didn’t even use my hands as I often do when I am explaining something. I was calm. not emotional.calm.peace.

It was easy to be honest with someone you care about.

I can only hope you, my dear reader, have taken the time to liberate yourself of the emotional baggage you keep bottled up inside your soul.

Always check the Mute Button

“Lesson Time” my dear readers,

Just a couple of days ago, I logged on to a webinar for the first time. For those who do not know what a “webinar” is, I will provide a brief explanation of how a webinar works. Then, I will draw out the significant of why one should check the mute button, and what are the side effects if one does not heed my advice?

Webinar slogan is as stated, “Web Events and Online Meetings Made Easy.” More over, a webinar is an online setting that an organizer can scheduled a meeting for people to collaborate on a particular project. The online setting has the capabilities for the organizer to use webcamera, audio, vocal, and presentation screens. The organizer can also limit the audio, visual, and vocal participation and interaction among the participants.

Because the webinar organizer can limit the access of particular functions, the webinar can be set up to allow all participants to speak at a given time. After I have explained the basic functions of a webinar and options that the webinar experience offers a participant, I am going to discuss how this all relates to the importance of a “mute button.” More importantly, the importance for a participant to locate the “mute button” on the screen, because if the organizer mutes the participants you can notice the mute on the screen.

Ok this is the scenario,

I was feeling very sick in the morning of the webinar. I was listening to the classroom discussion, and I was fighting stomach discomfort and headache. So, during the break, the organizer unmuted all the participants to discuss the topic. After the discussion was over, everything was silent. So, I unknowing that the organizer had yet to mute all participants, I states in a growning voice, “I feel like shit. . . I am so sick,” and suddenly, I looked up at the screen and noticed I was not muted. I quickly said, “But, I can do this.” Then the organizer muted all participant–only after the fact.

So the lesson for the story is, “Always check the mute button.”This is a  a good rule of thumb when participating on a webinar chat.

Like a Stone

Ok, so I must surrender to the social forces that I have no control over in order to play a wild card. The wild card of chance, because there is a chance that I will capture a wave of positive change.

I may intercede in someone’s life path that may be heading toward a negative direction. For me to become a positive interference is what I have become. I have become an external force in the current. I am stone….or tree stump in the middle of a stream a normal stream.

Although some may say that ultimately, the stream continues to head in the same direction and empties into the same larger body of water, I will argue, metaphorically speaking, that I will fight against what is statically inevitable–to trigger resilience.

Time for a change people.

Why fear?

“You can hide from it or you can understand it” -When Dreams May Come

Some people are afraid to look at the space they live in and see the possibility for change. I desire to make cognizant changes to my life, and I have found myself in a very strange phase in my life. I have begun to see the logic behind my actions, and I have made conscientious choices in order to remain true to my logic. The smoke screen I have created to maintain my life is beginning to clear. I understand that the love for my family and friends has created a delusion of my happiness and my happiness will never be created in the approval of others. I am soul appraiser of my life and my life’s success.

Yet to lay down the foundation in order for me begin to improve, I need to lose my fear and see what I was hiding around the dark corners of my past and see how they effect my current decisions.

Ignorance my dear readers is what keeps the beast at bay and the ocean calm, but as we all know, the ocean looks more beautiful when the waves crash against the shore and sprinkle into the sky. Only when I stop hiding from the reality of my logic and begin to truly understand my logic for where it stems, I can finally begin to pave a new foundation toward my personal success.

Just as a singer once said, “their’s beauty in the break down.”

Stand Alone

To be truly myself. When I look in the morning, the mirror shows me a woman with a heart and soul that is healing. So, I embrace goodness with both hands, and for the first time, I felt arms reach out for me in return.

Life-Free Will- Action- Reaction

Each effecting the other, each in need of one another to draw the other into motion. Each in need of a feeling.

I chose to reach our for you–will you react, react, and embrace the life I bring to your life.

Will you let me bring an offering to the table?

I will not spend anymore time standing alone any longer.

I will no wait any longer.

I met a man

So I met a man, he was such a simple minded man. At least that was the impression he wanted every one to have of him. I read him like a book you see, this man he wished he could be. I knew deep down inside he was sad. He was sad because his family expected too much from him, so much so, that he thought he could not be happy.

One day, I asked this man while we lay in bed together, “So when will your life begin?” The only thing he could say was, “when I am back home.”

As I begin to observe over time, I began to notice that deep down inside this man was still a child. A child that has yet to stand on his own two feet. He had yet to lay down his own foundation as to make mistakes he could call his own and make choices that were not influences by no one other than himself. Granted he has made the same mistakes that adults have made…untimely bills, speeding tickets, and drunkiness. But, he had yet to make the “hard” choices, the kind of choices that actually leave a mark on your heart.

Like a child, He had yet to take his first steps toward manhood

To leave or to be left is the question?

What do you think, dear reader, is it worse to be the person who has always left the relationship or is it worse to be the one that is always left?

(This was a conversation between two old friends attempting to answer this question.)

Speaker I: Because I have always refused to be treated badly during the relationship, and I chose to never return. Since, I feel that I will never be treated well.

Speaker II: It is worse to be the person always left, because the person is left feeling like they are not good enough for anyone.

Speaker I: I always leave because the person has made me feel like a pebble under their shoe.

Speaker II: I am left with a million question on, “why why did they leave me?” I get frustrated because there is never an answer.

Speaker I: Toward the end I tell them that I refuse to do what they seem to expect of me, so that leave no other option but to end the relationship.

Speaker II: It is worse to be the one left because I give my “all” –to the limit. So, then I think, “did I not do enough or did I do too much?” Still, I ‘m left with a question with no answer–again.

Speaker I: During the relationship the level of commitment must have been reason enough to prove I was seriously in love with that person. So, if my unhappiness was not reason enough for that person to want to try and make the relationship better than I use the exit door. My love was not enough.

Speaker II: Love is just a word composed of four letters that has no meaning behind them in this day of age. It is a word used to fill in a blank in a conversation but for the few and the hopeless it still means the hope of a future of happiness fulfillment and purpose.

Speaker I: To love, is to play the game. The game which only the one who bets the highest and sacrifices teh most wins, Yet, the winner only truly wins when the player meets their bet as well…equal sacrifice. I have bet many times, my reader, and I always come out short handed…and broken hearted.

You decide…