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Sometimes you have to makes choices that might not seem “right” at the time, but ultimately, in your soul it feels right. I am going to try to explain by what I mean by “soul” and how it relates to choice. The one thing any human beings can trust is their instincts. Those tiny feelings in their mind and spirit that guide them. Many people call it “going with the flow,” but I would call it “going with the soul.”
Oftentimes “going with flow” is more complicated then what it seems. For me “going with the flow” means letting the social forces control you. In other words, as the leaves floating down a stream will never stop until another force more powerful than the water current guides it in another direction. I am talking about the deeper feelings that draw us in a different direction… the other force.
For many artists and writers, the soul inspires to describe the indescribable and unthinkable. If it weren’t for the desire to make the unthinkable “real” the united states might still have forced social segregation which sustains dehumanizing ideas about people of a different race. Someone along the way was following a deeper force which allowed them to voice and articulate the indescribable. Thank you Martin Luther King Jr.
Self preservation. When you follow your instincts, you are preserving yourselves from harm. Just as the animals do when they sense trouble. For your own good, you should never forget that we are our own best friend, faithful buddy, secret keeper, and worst enemy. So in turn, we must use our instincts to show us the direction toward self preservation. Good luck to all.
So I took a risk today. I decided to meet someone new. Above it all, I usually would not volunteer to partake in deep conversation with a stranger. It was interesting to gather information about another person’s perspective about the “social organism” that is college life. I was delighted to hear a positive side of the social space I have too often heard create much unneeded drama and pain. This person spoke of family and support. Even as the cold air whispered into the coffee shop the warmth of the conversation was pleasant. I was captivated to learn about a perspective about a world I was beginning to feel shut-out and turned-off by through my years in academia.
I found myself slowly walking down particular subconscious hallways that I would never dare to disturb. The contents of each room rest and remain dormant from the physical world. Look away…turn your face from it. Look away from the mind that has held people captive from the possibilities of truth and potential for “options” and “alternatives. ” For so many the world holds no positive outcomes.
Today another person expressed another perspective on a world that held a chance for hope. My spirit was ready to embrace the chance for good or at least a chance for a life style that is more positive. How simple life would be if people just would accept the potential to do good rather than harm others. Over these past couple of days, I have learned two things about the minds of human beings. We all want to be wanted by others and inherently want to know the meaning of life–they truly want something positive to live for or work towards. So if people create their life style to create a meaning that is personal and true to them than so be it…I am just beginning to create a life worth living for-for myself.
Thank you my two informants you truly surprised my soul.
Seems like another challenge has crossed my path toward academic success, so I feel the need to situate the event as a board-game. Yesterday, I was told by a person of academic authority “you don’t belong.” Even though the person did not utter those words verbatim, the message was apparent; in other words this person of authority did not respect me. So I took up my piece and began to negotiate my chances for succes. Within the half-hour of verbal cross-fire, I was being forced to make a move. In a game setting, I took up my only movable piece and setting my sights on a way out of the trap. Three elements showed me I was being trapped. First, if I talk back, I would be committing the same offense. Second, if I ignore the comment, than I would lose more respect by the person of authority because I would be seen as a pushover. Lastly, the audience, those individuals listening to the verbal match, although they were not participating, I could tell from their body language who had the upper hand. The academic political game. After I made my move and refused to submit to the challenge, I had to keep a poker face. Every sensation in my body was influenced by the situation at hand, but never did I want the moment to end in a defeat. Checkmate by dear academia!
A room so small that it contained both my ability to escape the words that were about to control my emotional and mental capacity to react to the reality that was about to be told to me. I look into the aging eyes that were real to me… more real to me then I could imagine. They look out toward the heavens and straight into my soul-warm and friendly. The torment of my familial pasts was layed out in black and white. And the happiness that I aspire for in the future is a journey after a journey into my self-improvement. I wish I could be happy…I wish I could stop her and speak to her about my deepest secrets. The Indian in my soul that ached to be free and the sadness that wants to spread into the air. To be free to take another shape or form. I am heavy…heavy and I rub my lower back as I step away from deep meditation.
I want to smile again my dear reader. I want to make future choices that are not governed by my past, but I have learned from my past and forge a new brighter future –a new life. I wanted better for me and my family and future family. I want to escape the sadness the sadness of the past… that I have forgiven, but I have not yet been able to forget as to begin a new.. a new future. I have made choices, but I have yet to take action on those choices to make them real and completely mine. I want to let go.
