On another note

“Nana said, ‘Learn this now and learn it well, my daughter: Like a compass needle that points north, a man’s accusing finger always finds a woman. Always. You remember that, Mariam.’”-A Thousand Splended Suns

In my life time, I have been accused by a man. I have been accused of  “keeping him from the things he wants.” But the sad part of my event is that it was not a man who accused me, it was a woman. It was a woman, who supported a man’s accusation, that accused me. Loyalty will force women against one another. The excerpt above was advice a mother, who had been accused, gives her daughter.

People learn from their own experiences. Better yet, people believe life is only that which they have experienced. I aspire to be open-minded about my definition of “life.” But I am human, so my emotions get in the way. I cannot help but reflect on my past to build an understanding of “reality.”

I refuse to be angry anymore about what I have been accused of in the past. I refuse to waste anymore time thinking about what I should have said in my defense. I refuse to become a zombie. Like a zombie with no blood to warm my body and no heart beat to allow someone to feel that I am a human too.

For future reference, The lessons we teach our children are the ones we have learned from our own past experiences. I am not denying that the past is a viable source in forging new ground, but one must always remember that the past is only one view of life. One view of love, one view of commitment, one view of loyalty, and one view of reality.

Enough

I am not going to feel sorry for the millions of things that “I should have done.” I am not going to drudge through the past only to see all the “would’ ofs.”

I chose the path less taken. I steered the ship to ride the waves through the risks and across the length of the ocean. I made the changes needed to create a stable life for myself. I took the path less taken. I wanted more, better, bigger, and stronger.

I am not married, no children, and nobody in the nearest perimeter to keep me from running away once again. I have lived my life, crashing against the waves in the sea, like this for many years. When I met a man worth my affection, I always had one foot in the box and another foot outside the box. In out-in out-in out.

I always kept my eye on the door, and I always had the key in my pocket. Although I was always loyal and faithful to my lovers, I was always independent. Although I made my choice to live a life I can completely call my own, I find myself awaiting the next big event. I have suffered, sacrificed, and wondered through life. I held you, dear sweet lover, like you were my only family. My only light.

Within the past couple of years, I began to create a new idea of life. I wanted to share. I want to share my dear reader.

I have my pieces of the puzzle; I want my future partner to have his pieces of the puzzle, and I want to see if the puzzle fits. I want that person to be independent and open to sharing. To make the picture complete. And if the pieces doesn’t fit. . . well we can use some glue.

Super glue.

The Burn Out

I want to see the light. I want to look at you and see the inside. I felt the warmth of your skin and the pleasant sensation of kindness. Kindness my dear ready. If you have felt kindness, I am happy for you, but what about love. What about the kind of things that make your head turn and your body yearn for more.

Cleaning House

I have decided to let go. I decided to clean house. I discovered that the clutter in the attic was an unsightly place to visit, and it was always set on top of the frame of the house. The attic’s clutter weighed the frame down, and I could no longer ignore just how wasteful the space has become. I am cleaning house. I want to use the image of clutter in the attic as the past mistakes I have made and I have forgotten. I want to clean house today.

 

For such a long time, I have wanted to run away from the person I was in the past. I felt that ignorance was my best option for salvation. But I have learned that over the past couple of years, ignorance only keeps me from growing and being able to seek out the better things in life. Once I decided to open up the door to the attic, I needed to clear out a pathway through the clutter. I needed a pathway through the past in order to make sense of it.

Although I thought that walking down the past would make me emotional or make me think twice about what I have left behind, I noticed that I have long after broken the emotional ties to the past. I have completely healed, and I was strong enough to not only recollect the past, but I was able to left it up and toss it out.

As I follow the path through the past, I begin to notice that the deeper I went the more I begin to notice the same pieces repeating themselves. I have made the same mistakes before, but I have not been able to notice it because the people and places were different. Although, I lifted each piece and discarded it, I truly wished I would have known better, “what a waste!”

I would like to redeem myself by stating that I always knew what I was getting involved in, but the reality is that I always knew, but I never took the time to make positive changes to my life that would not allow me to make the same mistakes over again.

As I further the cleaning process and begin to reach the middle of the clutter, I notice a change. I was beginning to fill a box with things that I felt were worth keeping. I had to dust the objects off before saving inorder to admire their worth. As I neared the ending of the process, I began to take most of the saved objects back out and place back onto the attic floor.

I decided that only the little things, the most meaningful things, could stay. The weight of the these few objects did not weigh half as much as the stuff I have already discarded. I could deal with this. The weeding-out of the meaningless and worthless was not an easy task because often times I was blinded by the light reflecting off the silver dust particles. I could only keep my mind at ease with the thought that I was doing the right thing.

After this process was over. I stood at the center of the room and began to turn around in circles with my arms extended. I embraced with my new found space in the attic with open arms. I am ready to start over. Now catch me dear sweet lover….I am ready.

I Met a Woman

I have met you before. . .woman. I heard you talking on the phone as I walked into the woman’s public restroom. The tone of your voice and the emotion in your words. I have heard the pacing of your shoes before on the hard floor. You take deep breaths between every long conversation. I make eye contact with you for a brief second as I walk toward the restroom stall.

You say but you do not listen. You do not listen to the other’s response. You speak in contradiction. Why can’t you just listen to what you are saying; you really want better. Woman I have met you before. You know you deserve better, but you don’t demand better rather you accept less with every passing minute .

I can hear the anger and hurt in your voice. The anger mutes the sadness. You say, “why are you saying that to me?” Little lady, you should be asking why. You should demand–stop. You are the sole master of what you deserve. If you allow someone to behave in a hurtful way, the person will continue the harmful behavior unless you demand change–walk away. You should let go. Let go little lady. Embrace freedom.

I have met you before woman. You are afraid. You are afraid to be alone. The fear of freedom. Little lady, I pass by you as you look in the mirror while you are on the phone. I proceed to wash my hands, and I hang my head. I want to tell you, “You could be happy and no one needs to know.” But I refrain. You take a deep breath, “But I love you?” The tears begin to fall. As I allow my wet hands to hang over the basin

As you look in the mirror, do you see the woman you have become. . . the woman you want to be. You wipe your tears and remain silent. I dry my hands and make for the door. I turn toward you and you are motionless in front of the mirror. Goodbye, the woman I have met before. I hope to never see you again.

Just a Thought

“It was this: what one expects to find at the very center of life or literature-the summation of a Great Tradition, a Touchtone of Taste- may only be the dream of the deprived, or the illusion of the powerless” -Bhabha

So We Talked

I heard a young adult speak today about his goals in life. His life choices were deeply seeded in his family expectations, responsibility, and honor. These three topics were ideas that ran in this young man’s mind. I want to share with you what one of my students shared with me today as he deliberated his future. I want to share his story, because I think his thoughts can offer insight into the elements that make a child ready to enter into adulthood.

“To help my mom”-he says. The obligation he feels for the socio-economic strife his mother needs to overcome underlined by the lack of support from his other parental figure; The student is self-reflecting on his life, and he is beginning to notice that there is a possibility to make a change for the life he lived due to his mother’s inability to provide. Although, I understood his feelings. I know that these feelings of responsibility will propel him forward into his future planing. So, I motivated to own up to his feelings.

“I want this for myself”-he says. After he begins to realize the sacrifice he is planing on making will effect his life, he attempts to position himself in the equation. What part of his planing is to fulfil his desires and how much does he have to give for the good of others? I could see the self-doubt in his eyes, but I reassured him that I was in his shoes back in my late undergraduate years. And my call to the betterment of huamnity was an easy choice. If he thinks he is not ready to make such a decision, he needs to rethink his plans.

“I want to help others”-he says. He begins to express a need to give to the community as well as his family. He is fostering a new consciousness. He is moving aware from selfish thinking to self-sacrificing for the good of humanity. To become a productive citizen. The goal of all nations and all civil communities–create citizens that are willing to grow and give back to their community in order to sustain a stronger community of people in the future.

This communal futuristic thinking-I will call it- is not something that can be taught but nourished. Although, I didn’t have a hand in the nourishment of this student’s planning, I am proud that he has chosen to share his thoughts with me.

The creation of a communal thinking is what public school should strive for, but I am afraid my dear reader, our public schools especially the under-funded schools along the borderlands is a far cry of this progressive thinking.

Thank you for sharing my dear student. Thank goodness you escaped the narrow-minded thinking often generated in public schools standardized curricula.

He is an exception and not the rule.

UnCorked

A couple of years ago, I have dealt with a lot of challenges and have made very few mistakes. I am not a risk taker. Among the very few times I have taken a risk, the risk involved my heart-Love. The lessons I have learned from my mistakes will never escape my memory, because I am different now that they have occurred. I want to talk to you my dear readers about one of the ways I have grown from one of my mistakes, and how my growth is making me into a better person.

You see all, I have always been the one to tell my friends and family, “I don’t see myself getting married let alone having children.” Although my friends would frown at my attitude toward family. I stuck to the idea that my career success needed to come first before my emotional wellness. So, in my psychological career driven mind, my ship was launched into the water.

Many years have passed, I now find myself taking a break from my academic journey–I am an English teacher. In-between finishing up my masters and teaching, I had to move-out, learn how to compromise, deal with a break-up…two break-ups, become a good teacher, falling in love again, and think about PHD areas of study.

Among all the craziness of life, I have learned that I can never be complete if I don’t start being honest with myself as I am honest with others. I mean like the saying goes, “you are your worst enemy.” My friends appreciate me because I am honest and direct with them, yet I am not honest and direct with my own feelings. This lesson in life has been very painful for me. My emotional disconnect has given me flexibility in forefronting my career choices and determination. But it has left me very ignorant of how important my emotional wellness is to life and living life to the fullest.

So for the first time I took a risk, I told someone I cared for deeply exactly how I felt– I want to love. I was liberated. With putting myself out there, I have cleansed my soul. It was such a great feeling, and I was not worried about the person’s reaction as much as I knew that I was being honest with myself and with that person. I was so wrapped up in my own self-relief that no matter the turn out; I was having a break through.

It was easy to look into his eyes. I was being honest. I could feel my heart ease into the pocket from which it resides in my chest…no worry.

Honesty my dear reader…how liberating the feeling. I finally was able to articulate exactly how I felt. The words were smooth, and the timing was perfect, and I didn’t even use my hands as I often do when I am explaining something. I was calm. not emotional.calm.peace.

It was easy to be honest with someone you care about.

I can only hope you, my dear reader, have taken the time to liberate yourself of the emotional baggage you keep bottled up inside your soul.

Always check the Mute Button

“Lesson Time” my dear readers,

Just a couple of days ago, I logged on to a webinar for the first time. For those who do not know what a “webinar” is, I will provide a brief explanation of how a webinar works. Then, I will draw out the significant of why one should check the mute button, and what are the side effects if one does not heed my advice?

Webinar slogan is as stated, “Web Events and Online Meetings Made Easy.” More over, a webinar is an online setting that an organizer can scheduled a meeting for people to collaborate on a particular project. The online setting has the capabilities for the organizer to use webcamera, audio, vocal, and presentation screens. The organizer can also limit the audio, visual, and vocal participation and interaction among the participants.

Because the webinar organizer can limit the access of particular functions, the webinar can be set up to allow all participants to speak at a given time. After I have explained the basic functions of a webinar and options that the webinar experience offers a participant, I am going to discuss how this all relates to the importance of a “mute button.” More importantly, the importance for a participant to locate the “mute button” on the screen, because if the organizer mutes the participants you can notice the mute on the screen.

Ok this is the scenario,

I was feeling very sick in the morning of the webinar. I was listening to the classroom discussion, and I was fighting stomach discomfort and headache. So, during the break, the organizer unmuted all the participants to discuss the topic. After the discussion was over, everything was silent. So, I unknowing that the organizer had yet to mute all participants, I states in a growning voice, “I feel like shit. . . I am so sick,” and suddenly, I looked up at the screen and noticed I was not muted. I quickly said, “But, I can do this.” Then the organizer muted all participant–only after the fact.

So the lesson for the story is, “Always check the mute button.”This is a  a good rule of thumb when participating on a webinar chat.

Like a Stone

Ok, so I must surrender to the social forces that I have no control over in order to play a wild card. The wild card of chance, because there is a chance that I will capture a wave of positive change.

I may intercede in someone’s life path that may be heading toward a negative direction. For me to become a positive interference is what I have become. I have become an external force in the current. I am stone….or tree stump in the middle of a stream a normal stream.

Although some may say that ultimately, the stream continues to head in the same direction and empties into the same larger body of water, I will argue, metaphorically speaking, that I will fight against what is statically inevitable–to trigger resilience.

Time for a change people.