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Out of all the stupid things I have said, I never meant to cause any trouble. Just as Coldplay’s Trouble lyrics say, “[stupid things] spun a web for me.” It is the stupid things I have done that keep me from the things I want for the future.
I have reached the point where I have spun a web that keeps me down from expanding the possibilities of greatness. I am trying to grow from my stupidity, so I am going to write today about making changes…to stimulate new discussion about a topic that was once considered dead.
“Race” as a writer once stated “has become taboo.” Yet in publication there are remnants of racialized discourses. For example, Audience. For publication using demographic statistics will leave out particular racial groups or lump particular racial groups together. Why?
Granted some people may argue…there are too many racial identities to be accounted for. But, why is it built into our subconscious that when one is labeled “native” or ”nonnative” it is assumed that native means “White.” The last I checked the Native Americans were not ”White.” I will qualify this statement with the Native Americans were born in the land we now call United States which was taken from the Native Americans and founded under the name of God-”white” ideology.
Ok enough, if I have angered a reader I will only say this…I have been reading a lot of highly racialized and highly popularized academic discussions about social linguistics. Even though social linguistics may not be a topic of your preferred reading understanding that this is a debate on the academic level. Makes you wonder.
Because of harsh past events, people build up a shield around the “true” person within to protect themselves from another bad outcome. To be more specific, people shield their hearts. I am no expert, but from my point of view, people don’t understand that there are different degrees of love. Degrees as in levels. You see you don’t love your friends the same way you love your parents and so on. These varying levels of affection are hard for many people to articulate to others. For some, the verbal acknowledgment of affection should be “assumes” or “expected” since ” I have known my friend for years.” I have learned this most recently when an old friend and I were taking about the kind of people we are…and how we deserve better in life. Yet, as we spoke about past failed relationships, I noticed what I had said was not a good assessment, and the anger in that person’s voice signaled me to say, “I care about you and I’m sorry.” I know for some of my readers this idea would be too much for them to articulate, but for me, it was the truth and to say “that I cared about this person” was not a hard to say. I mean when you truly have someone’s front is beyond words, but sometimes a past event takes place and that person (deep down) has a shield and it takes a while for that shield to weaken. For those who still don’t understand, I will say that when, “shit hits the fan” it will be those individuals who “know you care about them” will be there for you…giving you the support you will need even though you don’t ask for it. Even though you think you don’t need a kind voice.
In my experiences with “goodbyes,” I have accepted a definition in understanding the reason for goodbyes. Goodbyes are endings to new beginnings. From the moment we let go of a person or event and say “farewell,” a second later, we are thinking differently or making different plans that are new to our lives. I begin to question why it is hard to say “goodbye” knowing in my mind that new life experiences will be the result. Often times the newness is good and beneficial. I think that maybe it is hard to say goodbye because I’m a creature of habit. So, as it is hard to break a habit, it is hard to say goodbye to the “normal” or expected. My life has changed so much already, as a result, of many goodbyes, and as I look back, I do not regret any of my choices. I should think more about the new choices more then the goodbye itself, and I should stop beating myself up about what I could have done…. I’m a stronger person because of my ability to build from my choices. I never felt I would not be successful, but I have felt like I could have made better choices. I’m beginning to understand the it is not the various choices I could have made, but the choices I am making from my “goodbyes” that mean more to my life. Today I look in the mirror…I am happy, and I am not lonely.
to be continued….
You want to keep your friends forever. You promise them you will never separate, but it happens over time life swips them with the current. Distance doesn’t allow you to see them, but you talk to them and when you talk it is like time has never passed. You can count the true friends on one hand and you hold on those few. Then there is the one you love. You don’t get to see him/her half the times you want, but the love stays the same. The road divides and separation keeps you from him/her and it hurts to think about it. You hare happy for his/hers goals and achievements, and you are happy for your achievements to come. He/she will more than likely not be there for your graduation and you will not be there for his/hers, but you will be there for him/her for a lifetime if God allows. The force that draws people together mystifies me, and I never understood how a force so strong often times some people never experience. I have felt such a force and I can’t do without it. Love
Sometimes I wake in the morning and don’t have a care in the world. I wake in complete blankness in thought just laying in bed feeling the mattress against my body, between my pajamas, pushing back against me. Other days I wake with numerous agendas and thoughts that I had planed and will plan and want to plan. As soon as I step into the shower that is when, I say life begins, when I know what I am going to do for the day. Often Life is underestimated and thought of as a ”must” a given a thing that we all have and will always have. But that is not true, so not true, it can be taken and often time unexpectedly. Awareness of how valuable life is, is key to living a good life. 
9/11 made the whole world remember just how precious life really is. Jobs, deadlines, expectations, and agendas are an inescapable part of life. For those that have been able to escape those factors are lucky, but for the rest of us life calls between the grind stone. Relish what you have, smile and laugh every chance you get and don’t every feel like you must be someone your not. Be true to yourself and love yourself, that is the only way someone can love you and you can be truly loved. Every person you meet have something to offer you. It maybe just a warm smile or an anonymous passing glance, but they are a part of this world making someone’s life complete. They mean something to someone. Embrace your value and feel that value when you wake. Someone is waiting for the acknowledgement of value. In a subtle way or not so subtle either-way life is full of complex emotions sometimes contradictory emotions, but just be aware it is your life. Take charge of those complexities and embrace them. Never forget Mommy I will always love you.
School provides avenues for great advancment and productivity. School is the ficility that knowledge and education of the mind is established. I want that knowledge and it had come with a price. Education costs time, money, and energy. Each of the elements are taken from life and life’s energy. I have asperations for the future and dreams for my life. I have found myself rethinking and doubting my goals. Fear… unknown. Those two words boggle my mind with smog that make me sick. I make myself sick with fear and I continue to tread forward. I want to attain my goals and finally have peace in life. Right now I am unable to give-up my life for anything other then my goals. I am cursed and my mind consumed with education. I want this curse to end and it will not end until I’m done with my masters.
If I were given an opportunity to memorize all the moments of my childhood life, I would want to remember my first birthday. Why my first birthday? Because as a child, the celebration is completely about the birth of “me”. It doesn’t matter about the gifts or the attendence. It is about life and the celebration and beauty of life. I would like to see what was said by the people in attendence, and who carried me around in their arms as all were being served cake and cookies. The first birthday is the time when the baby is not particularly aware or inerested in the party. So the realemotions and focus, is on family and freinds support and love for the baby. I would like to be able to see the emotion and love. I feel the need to remember that love for life. Now after 24 years of my life, I would want to remember the support and celebration for life. Lie and life alone…. So simple a concept, no, admiration for life and life alone. No worries for gifts and dress, just life. I pray that God give me another day to celeberate life again, as I did today with my family. We cheered to life tonight. I will be back from school and I will be able to have another day to celebrate life. Until then I pray for my memory to get better.
